What is ambition? The perception of power, perhaps? Which, ultimately, comes back to the idea of control. I guess my next question would be: what equalizes the delicate balance between control and willingness? Is it meant to be a constant battle until the end or will I finally reach its nirvana someday?
I want things; I've always wanted things, things like accomplishment, recognition, and fulfillment. Haunted I am by men who have achieved these things and who are doing them now. But it is fascinating that this feeling of quasi-impatience is often coupled with one of dreariness and indifference. It is as though my life hinged on one great event or series of events that justified my current impatience and even pride. And always there is the perception of ambition; the emotional buildup to that one event, the supposedly honorable march forward into a cloud of fulfillment and bliss. There I shall rest, is the sentiment, and finally shed the mantle of ambition that has burdened me. There I will sit and soak in the reality of my accomplishment having fulfilled my destiny and purpose.
Undoubtedly, this is a most unrealistic and stupid sentiment; the product of a finite mind desperate to grasp some sense of beginning and end and to flee from a future of additive responsibility. And here is manifest again the incredible dichotomy of our mortal existence. Accomplishment, fulfillment, ambition, their meanings all carry subtleties of duality and exhibit their danger in the similarity of their feelings. Ambition, the desire to work incessantly toward the goal of finally shedding responsibility, can feel quite similar to true ambition, which is the maximization of current self-development. Fulfillment, the supposedly deserved rest given after a great completion, can deceivingly resemble true fulfillment, which is the subtle, acquired joy that comes from the magnification of responsibility. And the dichotomies go on, each exhibiting both a temporal and spiritual distinction which separation basically boils down to the subject of control.
And perhaps it is responsibility that should determine the parameters of our control. That is, we should exhibit control within our allotted environment in order to truly fulfill our allotted responsibilities. Perhaps it is the over-stepping or under-stepping of boundaries that causes an addictive discontent; how often do we look to the future as an escape rather than an opportunity? No, I must say to myself, the future will not be different if true happiness is what you want. It will be as full of joy and sorrow as the present; accomplishment is not the goal, true happiness is the goal; accomplishment is simply the bi-product of the personal development required to achieve true happiness. Pining for the future will not make you happy when you get there, it will only make you dissatisfied with the present. Instead, I should seek to re-adopt my true ambition; that feeling of desire that helps to cast off my fears of current responsibilities and do that which I feel to be right. This feeling need not be accompanied by an uncharacteristic passion or zeal, but is better manifest in the mature and noble acceptance of a Father's mandated will. And not only the acceptance, but the true desire to accomplish it; the true desire to be happy now. For being happy is one of life's greatest responsibilities and one that receives some of the greatest personal opposition, especially from emotions such as pride, indifference, and fear; feelings dangerously similar to happiness in the supposed perception of their peace and security. My attitude should be one of desiring to be happy now and loving (and learning to love) the actions and attributes that aid me in doing so.
