5.9.12

What do you do with yourself when you begin to find out just how ridiculously serious you take yourself? Laugh, I think - chortle, guffaw even. I guess you've got to, right? Trouble is: laughing at myself sometimes makes me feel like I've wasted so much time, you know? I mean, what was I doing that whole time when I wasn't laughing?

But I guess seriousness isn't bad, right? Some people have taken their interests and passions very seriously and I feel like its turned out pretty well for them. Of course, the first three people that came to my mind where eventually assassinated ... hmm ... so, seriousness not so good?

That is so me it is hysterically embarrassing; I guess there's a little bit of all of us in that box though. How so very easy it is to go from interested to analytical to critical to cynical. What makes us do it?

I'm not really sure, but I am sure that I don't laugh about it half as much as I could. I guess that's why witty, silly, sarcastic humor can be so perfectly hilarious sometimes: it so often takes the seriousness of life and reminds us how foolish it can be. Oscar Wilde comes to mind, as does Monty Python.

"Algernon: Literary criticism is not your forte, my dear fellow. Don’t try it. You should leave that to people who haven’t been at a University. They do it so well in the daily papers. What you really are is a Bunburyist. I was quite right in saying you were a Bunburyist. You are one of the most advanced Bunburyists I know."

"Customer: (deliberately) Have you in fact got any cheese here at all.
Owner: Yes, sir.
Customer: Really?
(pause)
Owner: No. Not really, sir.
Customer: You haven't.
Owner: No, sir. Not a scrap. I was deliberately wasting your time, sir.
Customer: Well I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to shoot you.
Owner: Right-Oh, sir.
(The customer takes out a gun and shoots the owner)
Customer: What a *senseless* waste of human life."

But I think seriousness can be good too; I mean, there are serious topics in life, serious situations, serious causes. Responsibility can be serious; suffering, injustices, tragedies. So, what's the difference between taking things seriously and taking yourself too seriously? A mirror, maybe?

You know, I think a lot of it has to do with how I look at other people. It's terribly comfortable to think that I have a very, very hefty say in what you think about me.

But it's easier to just laugh, isn't it?

5.1.12

Within two weeks I will be on a plane headed to Vientiane, Laos. It will be my first time visiting an Asian country and my twenty fifth time changing location within the past seven years.

For your amusement and because I want to see it mapped out myself, I have provided below a list of all these locations:

(Starting June of 2007)
1) 3 months - Provo, UT - Missionary Training Center (MTC)
2) 1.5 months - Alejandro Korn, Argentina
3) 4.5 months - Nueve de Abril, Argentina
4) 3 months - San Clemente, Argentina
5) 3 months - Berisso, Argentina
6) 3 months - Spegazzini, Argentina
7) 3 months - La Cumbre, Argentina
8) 3 months - Alejandro Korn, Argentina
9) 3 months - San Jose, Argentina
10) 2 months - Home (Valencia, CA)
11) 8 months - La Riviera, Provo, UT
12) 4 months - Foreign Language Housing, Provo, UT
(in this time period is included a two-week trip to Germany, Austria, Italy, Switzerland, and France)
13) 8 months - The Branbury, Provo, UT
14) 2 months - Debre Zeit, Ethiopia
15) 2 months - London, England
(includes visits to Scotland and England's Lake District)
16) 8 months - La Riviera, Provo, UT
17) 1 month - Home
18) 3 months - Kampala, Uganda
19) 4 months - Carriage Cove, Provo, UT
20) 1 month - Home
21) 3 months - Kampala, Uganda
(this includes visits to northern parts of Uganda such as Gulu and Luweero)
22) 4 months - The Crestwood, Provo, UT
23) 4 months - DeVere Court, Provo, UT
24) 4 months - Home
(this includes my recent trips to Chicago and Urbana, IL and to Washington, DC)
25) 3 months - Vientiane, Laos (pending)

For you nerds (which excludes myself, of course), that's an average of about three and a half months in any one location. I have moved around a lot.

As I look at this list, I am suddenly so very tired. My ambitions seem to melt away and I am left with a feeling of lonely shyness. I suddenly do not want to get on that plane to Vientiane, I am afraid of it in a strangely contradicting way - I feel that I want to belong somewhere, but I simultaneously fear what it takes to really belong anywhere. I doubt my ability to belong. Perhaps that can be one of the curses of loneliness: wanting companionship and yet fearing the intimacy it takes to produce it.

My mind, however, has slowly adapted to this pinball lifestyle. Without even having to consciously decide on it, I find myself storing future events in a secret mental location of "inconceivable's" and "not-actually-happening's." Thus, it is often not until I have to adapt to a new place that I actually realize that I'm there. I'm not sure whether or not to thank my mind for providing this service.

I think this causes me to look at friendships in a strange way, and that scares me too. As I set deeper and deeper expectations and ideals for friendship, I find it easier to justify emotional distance.

I think about you, about if I could be a good friend to you. Based on my track record, I don't know that I could offer you much (you see? justifying emotional distance...). Maybe some of it has to do with love, with what I define as love, with what I'm comfortable admitting to as love.

Perhaps that is something we all struggle with: honestly admitting to love, especially the non-romantic kind. I think one of the reasons I struggle is because I fear the permanence and commitment of belonging, and I fear what my love would influence me to do, and in so doing, what you would think of me. I think a lot about what you might think about me. Mostly I pale at the potential risks.

And I love you.