9.19.11

 
I guess the main purpose of this blog is to be honest; an attempt to be authentic and admit a range of both light and dark thought and emotion.

What is it about honesty that we perceive to be so liberating? Honesty can be terrifying, it can be incredibly unwelcome, it can be socially unacceptable; such a strange concept, even purely irrational in some cases.

What if you don't know whether you will be understood? Perhaps this is what constitutes authenticity - the ability to be honest despite your audience. Talk about terrifying: if honesty itself is challenging, authenticity seems like a naked stage-fright nightmare. Even as memories now arise and beg to be recorded, my mind fights back, "why would you ever reveal that?" I'm not entirely sure. Curious the phrase "in spite of yourself."

A friend of my mother's once caught me looking at a nude picture of Britney Spears.

Do I even dare tell you about this? My mind screams the contrary, it tells me that you will change the way you think about me and that that is a bad thing, the worst thing. It tells me that you will not understand, it begs me to avoid it. Or, if I can't avoid it, to at least explain it in such a way so as to show that I am not the same person as that twelve-year-old boy. "See!" it wants to say, "that was something bad, but now I've changed and am going to heaven. Judge me the way that I want you to!" Please don't, actually.

At the time, my room had a large window facing the patio and front yard of our house. My computer screen directly faced this window such that anyone approaching the front door could clearly see what I didn't want them to, unless the window was covered. This was the job of a large quilt my mother had fitted to the window to act as my pubescent stage curtain; different shades of diamond and trapezoidal pink that always seemed to me strongly Native American.

It was in the evening and I had grown bolder and bolder in my curiosity for the last couple of days. I remember thinking Britney Spears had the face of a goddess - some type of beauty that I couldn't really understand, and one that had some mysterious effect on me. As I think about it now, I am reminded of Marilyn Monroe: "goodbye Norma Jean, though I never knew you at all."

Why am I telling you this? You may be asking that question. I kind of hope you're asking that question and that the answer gives me an excuse to rethink what I'm doing. "Rethink" in this case meaning complete abandonment.

My face was close to the screen, close to Britney; close, I wanted to be close. I wanted; longed; she seemed so real, but frustratingly far away. There was a wall, some kind of wall; I willed myself to believe that it wasn't there, that all I had to do was get closer...break through the wall. The perfect curves of her body screamed to me in a language I did not understand, but wanted to; oh, how I wanted to speak that language, for her to know that I spoke it; for her to speak to me; to...

The doorbell rang.

"Delete that paragraph"

"What?"

"Delete the paragraph now."

"Shut up; you don't think this is hard enough?"

"Those emotions are inappropriate; admitting that you have ever felt that way is unforgivable. What are you, an animal? Some sick pervert? You are disgusting; why would you ever want to remember being so sub-human? If you don't delete that paragraph, you're no better than a sick dirty novelist."

"What's it to you? Maybe I am just a dirty novelist."

"People won't like you; they will judge you; it will hurt."

"What will hurt?"

"Being flawed. Being rejected."

"Maybe I am flawed."

"Well why the hell admit it to other people?"

I'm not entirely sure.

My hand shook almost uncontrollably as I clicked to close the browser window. I turned around to find that I had not drawn the quilt. I sprinted over to see who was at the door, my mother and Denise looked back at me, Denise was smiling in a giggling sort of way, my mom looked confused.

I had until after school the next day to think up what I thought to be a convincing lie. "It was in an email," I frantically told my mother, "my friend sent me an email and I didn't know what was in it; I didn't know that there would be a naked woman when I opened it!" I wept, terrified. I was scrambling to be believable, wanting with my entire soul for her to believe the lie, for me to believe it myself. Maybe it was just an email, right? Anything to avoid embarrassment. Sexual attraction was just something that happened to other people, right? That makes sense, I mean, it was those "other people" that had sent me the email.

"Other people" in this case meaning me.

What are we supposed to do with the emails we send ourselves? Trash? "Mark as spam"? Reply? Archive? "Mark as read"? "Add label"?

"Well, that depends on the nature of the email."

"Why?"

"Because some emails contain bad things."

"So, how about I just create a label called 'Bad things: Never feel again'?"

"Yes! Then you could set up your account so that bad emails were automatically archived! Then you'd never have to even see them in your inbox!"

"Sounds fantastic; a perfectly rational solution."

"Precisely! Wow! So, why haven't you tried this yet?"

I have.

I don't remember anything my mother said; I wish I did. Sometimes I kind of wish she had just cuffed me in the back of the head and told me to stop being a liar; to just be honest. Maybe she did. Would I have listened?

"They crawled out of the woodwork
And they whispered into your brain
They set you on the treadmill
And they made you change your name"

9.16.11

Sight
The train from Spegazzini is cold in the morning air. We are headed towards Tristán Suárez and then on to Ezeiza; the blue metal seats unforgiving and unsympathetic to desperate pleas of warmth - my body heat just seems to bounce off them. Its like trying to warm up an ice rink with a hockey puck. The seats are relatively empty so far; we'll fill up as we get close to the city though.

El tren bumps and lurches along, always content, the old horse; harmless, but still powerful. Oblivious to its passengers, whether few or many; they have painted her and sold her, but still she canters on, her placid eyes are dull, but luminescent in the early mist.

Around me there are routines, automatic gazes wait for 11am at least, some for noon, some forever. I am reminded now of the Hotel California: some dance to remember and some dance to forget. But I realize now as I am reminded now that these two settings and their inhabitants have absolutely nothing in common: "forever" doesn't even rhyme with "remember". Maybe the people at the hotel are waiting for something, maybe they're trying to escape. Either way, the people on the train are trying to sleep. Nada que ver.

Maybe a couple dances the tango at the hotel?

Many are holding bags or boxes to take beyond Ezeiza, into the city, into shops and ques and homes (hopefully). The hope has since faded though; meshed into the confidence of time. A man walks through the compartments selling sweets and shouting an instantly familiar phrase: "quatro por un peso!" I wonder now if he is still there, walking back and forth along those distant corridors, shouting in his tired way.

What I wouldn't give now for quatro de sus alfajores. And por only un peso? He's probably raised his prices a bit since then though, un peso no te llevás como antes. At least, that's what I imagine he would say; I also imagine him rubbing his right index finger under his nose, across his mustache as he says it, in a forlorn look of business. But maybe then he would make a dirty joke, at least something with some character - something to show that he's still alive, that some element of humanity still simmers inside him, breaking occasionally through the cement mask of peso; through a lifetime on the train.

I look to my left and see one last line of houses along a dirt road. And past that, something beautiful - a place of solitude. It is, to me, a symbol of culture, of casual brotherhood, of pureness, of passion. It is like a dream, a memory, a piece of poetry that bridges generations. It is the essence of struggle, of enjoyment and of life; it is la cancha.

Here I sit and gaze upon it, wishing I could somehow take it with me. I watch until the trees obscure it, holding it in my mind for just a few more moments. Then I turn back to the train, my head against the window, and try to settle a little deeper into my jacket. I close my eyes and wait for Tristán Suárez.

9.15.11

Crossroads
A combination of tales swirls in my mind; a current of dark observations and considerations.

"They said, please, please make love with Helen, we require an assertion of value, we are frightened. I said that they shouldn’t be frightened (although I am often frightened) and that there was value everywhere" (Barthelme 1981).

"To what extent do we allow ourselves to become imprisoned by docilely accepting the roles others assign us or, indeed, choose to remain prisoners because being passive and dependent frees us from the need to act and be responsible for our actions? The prison of fear constructed in the delusion of the paranoid is no less confining or less real than the cell that shy persons erect to limit their own freedom in anxious anticipation of being ridiculed and rejected by their guards - often guards of their own creation" (Zimbardo 1973).

"'Listen lady,' he said in a high voice, 'if I had of been there [to see Jesus' miracles] I would of known [they were true] and I wouldn't be like I am now.' His voice seemed about to crack and the grandmother's head cleared for an instant. She saw the man's face twisted close to her own as if he were going to cry and she murmured, 'Why you're one of my babies. You're one of my own children!' She reached out and touched him on the shoulder. The Misfit sprang back as if a snake had bitten him and shot her three times through the chest. Then he put his gun down on the ground and took off his glasses and began to clean them" (O'Connor 1953).

History sometimes seems to pull at secret parts of your mind, revealing those hidden synapses that connect you to generations uncounted. Possibility can seem like such a heavy burden.

Children, are we not all children? Scared, sad, hopeful, unsure - cycles of feeling seem to both bind our hearts or bind our hearts together. Are we doomed to repeat history or are we supposed to?

It seems at certain crossroads that life can so easily seem real and surreal simultaneously; its incredibility can haunt, its terror can give hope. Crossroads remind me of Mr. Robert Johnson; crossroads remind of me the blues. Seems strangely ironic: do you know the tale of Robert Johnson?

Last night I was washed over by a strange feeling; I felt like my soul could somehow clearly observe the reality of the moment because it had been ripped out of the moment. It was a sad sweetness, like a man in the midst of the sea, grateful for its bounty and terrified by its depth. The feeling somewhat permeates today, considering unknowns like the possibility of affection - the flutter of the heart both excited and anxious, afraid to lose control, afraid to have it.

"Standin at the crossroad
tried to flag a ride
Standin at the crossroad
I tried to flag a ride
Didn't nobody seem to know me babe
everybody pass me by"

9.14.11

Certainty
Sometimes it seems like the certainty of life is not like the certainty of death; you'd think God would give us more guarantees than one. Of course, He probably did, but who are we to remember?

You may counter with the point of revelation and I may agree with you; but I feel like explaining revelation is like explaining whats inside a black box that you cannot see and that belongs to someone else. Its like those people that make their own cars; sometimes you get to ride in it - blindfolded - but perhaps the only thing you really know about it is the incredible roar of the engine and the rush you feel when you're taken somewhere new. I guess the trick is to always have your thumb out; thumbs get tired though.

Ironic how it feels sometimes like the need for certainty only aggravates the fear of certainty. How certain are we supposed to be about things?

"Um, I think I'd like to wait on that," she said. I had just tried to kiss her, botched it, and asked her if I could have another go. I told her some load of crap about how that was okay - about how I didn't want her to get the wrong impression or anything. Ironic...

"Someone else took your place," she said. I had just explained to her that although I had not thought that I had been interested at first, as I got to know her I started to notice a feeling of...joy. And not joy in the sense of excitement, more like a peaceful joy, a kind of summer-evening contentment.

"I feel like I should wait for you," she said over the phone. I had just arrived home from school and was preparing to leave the country for two years. We had been talking for a while, mostly about the whole two-year thing. It seemed like it was pretty hard for her to let go; why wasn't it for me?

She's married now; their new child is beautiful.

"Why do I have to experience all of this? Is it, what, so I can write better?" she asked, somewhat rhetorically. I had just parked the car and was trying to think of the best cure for her ailment. I knew it then, but have since forgotten; funny how medicine seems to work better on the relatively young. Maybe my body is just building up immunities.

9.12.11

Brave
Hero-bashing seems popular these days; advocating for the non-existence of the dreams us children have dancing in our heads. Hawkeye says that, "Ninety-nine times out of a hundred, [a hero is] somebody who's tired enough and cold enough and hungry enough not to give a damn. I don't give a damn."

Once I was mountain-biking with some friends in a competition. At one point, we took a shortcut through some very difficult switchbacks. It was an intense climb, but I kept pushing harder. I pulled easily ahead of the others; at the top I let our a roar.

Later on, we took a wrong turn that put us about a mile off course. As we were walking back to where we had turned, my legs kept shaking and cramping; we had been out of water for a while. I was exhausted; angry. I wanted to have an excuse to quit. Finally, I threw down my bike and exclaimed that I was finished. "No you're not," a friend said. I picked up my bike and kept walking; ashamed.

There was a man in my mind both times. I hated him for being right and ignored him because he was. Why should I listen when its not what I want? Heresy.

Once during a class a boy in the back was asking a lot of questions; he was having particular trouble understanding that day. Another boy sitting just behind me was quietly laughing and whispering to the girl next to him. I felt this was unfair; it made me angry, but at the same time it felt slightly different from anger, almost...like a sadness. At one point I turned around and rebuked him. He was furious, I was...conflicted. He told me to "get off my high horse." Thinking about it still makes me angry and sad at the same time.

Its a long way to fall when you get bucked off your high horse.

One time I came to a four-way stop and got there just after the car to my left. He hesitated which annoyed me, so I cut in front of him. What do I care if he's too stupid to make a decision? As I passed him, he honked. I looked at him, flipped him off, and sped away. At the next stoplight, he got out of his car and approached me, furious. I had nothing to say; my mind searched frantically for justifications, excuses, lies.

Afterwards, I pulled into a nearby parking lot and wept.

Last night my roommate - who is studying to be a paramedic - needed to practice putting in an IV. I was annoyed that I would be put in such a position. As he stuck the syringe into my hand, pulled out the needle, and began to wipe up my blood, I noticed his hands were shaking. As I think about it now, I wonder: who was the one being brave?

9.9.11

 
I find myself afraid to look within and seek to define. Am I afraid I will be wrong? Yes. But what else am I afraid of? Perhaps I avoid the kitchen as much as possible because I still have not washed the dishes. I eat in my room these days.

Work
The hours I have spent in this office.

The song says: "I went to a whore; she said my life's a bore. So quit my whining cause its bringing her down. Sometimes I give myself the creeps." This part of this song always reminds me of the Catcher in the Rye, which is a book I didn't like because nothing happens.

Sometimes in life, nothing happens. And suddenly you find yourself not wanting anything to happen.

"Sometimes my mind plays tricks on me."

Friends
So many of my friends have come and gone.

I remember attending a party and, as part of a sort-of game, kissing a girl I didn't know. As I think of the kiss, I think of the feeling; though I do not think of the feeling then - which I think was mostly one of uncertainty - I think of what I want to feel now. The longing of a kiss; trying to remake the memory in my mind, add onto it, prolonging the scene and repeat it to try and grasp at something. And soon the kiss means more to me; she means more to me - or at least the idea of her means more, even though she, as I now hold her in my mind, does not exist; has no name; has no purpose except as the subject of my emotion; as the means for my mental expression.

A friend once approached me troubled; I told her it would all work out. I cried when she left.

It did end up working out though.

Religion
I see a chapel; two stories; beautiful brick. Its roof is rounded to give it a barn-like aspect; it has a large, round window at its front which looks out from the second story. I have never been inside the building.

The chapel is surrounded by low concrete walls that separate it from the buildings and houses adjacent. The walls are covered with graffiti, mostly indecipherable. But one phrase stands out: "Maradona es Dios y Messi es el Salvador." It is rather comical, but I wonder about the intention of the writer; what child is this?

Anger
I met with a leader of my local church - my bishop - and he asked me about my language. I told him it was improving. He told me that profanity was the attempt of a weak mind to express itself strongly. I just agreed with everything he said after that and it worked - I was out of his office in less than ten minutes.

I think I was actually was improving until yesterday; but my bishop will never know about yesterday.

Dreams
Two excerpts from a dream journal I used to keep:

"Night of 4/24/2008 - I remember teaching a little boy that 'bad words are for those who are afraid of life'. I remember seeing the boy later, as he was leaving, and reviewing that phrase with him."

"Night of 8/31/2008 - My dream was very movie like. I remember at the beginning of the movie there were two lovers. They were not human; more fish-like, and I remember that they somehow formed two children. I was one of those children and the other was my sister. We started to grow up, but then one night a fish came to where my sister and I were sleeping and took her. Somehow we got her back, but she was badly injured. My parents stayed with her while I went to find someone who could help her.

I think the first people I met were two women in a town next to where our house was. I remember that our house was very humble, but we lived next to a town with a lot of affluence; there were large buildings and even a cathedral. So I went to the town and found two women, but they were high on drugs and couldn't help. They recommended that I go find another doctor. I can't  remember the name they said, but I remember that they said that it would be difficult for me to convince this certain doctor to care for my sister. I went to find her anyway because such was my worry for my sister that I didn't care what it would take to heal her.

I remember finding the doctor to whom I had been referred and that, like I had been told, she was very reluctant to come with me. I remember talking to her for some time and trying to convince her. Finally, she agreed to come with me, but only after I went into some detail about the pain and suffering my sister was going through.

I remember we then flew back to where my house was. When the doctor I was with saw all the riches with which we were surrounded, she got very excited. I remember that one of the streets between two of the houses was actually made of diamonds. We landed and she began to look at the incredible riches all around us. My house was right around the corner and she finally came after my calling her several times.

When we got there I asked how my sister was and my parents responded that she was actually recovering. I remember her walking around; she still looked hurt and bruised, but she had obviously recovered. I remember thinking about how sure I had been during my search that only a doctor could save my sister. Then something very interesting happened. I remember my father asked the doctor if she wanted to keep and raise my sister. The woman was so touched that she began to cry and we all cried for joy with her. She said yes and that was the end."

9.7.11

I have decided to try and take a slightly new direction here in my blog. This new direction constitutes something that makes me incredibly uncomfortable as it has to do with being completely honest; with attempting to be genuine. I hope you will indulge me in this experiment.

You must understand that I am a performer; an actor. Since early childhood I remember passionately seeking the attention and approval of others. This has deeply affected my life, although I do not wish to imply as to whether these effects have been completely positive or negative. I would imagine that as it is with most things in life, so it is here: it has been both.

However, I do believe there are some ill effects that I have not come to terms with and reconciled. You see, the performer, in his rapture with approval, perpetuates within himself the idea of control, of power. He seeks to present a flawless character to his audience. And lest you be deceived, he does not always seek to present a perfect person, but a believable counterfeit to the audience's preferences; the art of the performer is to make you believe that he is what you - deeply or superficially - want him to be.

The performer therefore becomes an incredible liar. He learns early on that flat-out lies are easily perceived and so learns quickly how to emulate truth; how to twist it to his advantage. He becomes a disciple of exaggeration and bias. Soon he is the social chameleon, basing his actions and mannerisms on simple mental games that he continuously employs, reviews, and updates. He will observe all realms of human approval as a reference to update his methods. Religion, humor, fashion, culture, language, all are tools of the actor - means whereby he impersonates knowledge, stability, and superiority.

Eventually he begins to believe his lies; his performances become his character. He views himself as more than a man, as a prodigy. Audiences that disapprove are ironically viewed as subordinate by him; his tight sphere of approval has cemented his mental superiority and continually justifies his assumptions - conscious and unconscious - of righteousness and control. He is powerful in this sphere; in his sphere.

The greatest horror to the actor is to be embarrassed; to lose control over his sphere; to be wrong; to lose the approval of others, or at least the perception of approval. Thus, the fear of losing control dominates his life. He labels emotions as untrustworthy and passionately tries to suppress them. He inevitably views himself as a fixer: each situation is simply a problem to which his sphere has a solution. And always there is judgement: anything - people especially - that operates outside his sphere of security is viewed as a potential threat, as a possible means to embarrassment. The actor rejects these things and labels them; un-comfort to him is synonymous with "wrong".

And again, although internally the performer seeks to eradicate emotion (anything "surprising" or "unexpected" being viewed as irrational and dangerous) and dismiss empathy, he is wonderfully good at feigning these principles. He will smile and laugh and will feel nothing; he will wonder what possesses you to hurt while he tells you he understands. All reenforcing his sphere, creating the ghosts of personalities while emotionally and mentally imploding.

I am that man; an actor. As such I have struggled intensely with the idea of being genuine, with "being myself": my personality has always been a means to an end. Changing this about myself is, I think, something that would bring me great happiness and allow me to be the means of greater happiness in the lives of others. Perhaps this is part of what Christ meant when He encouraged us to lose our lives that we might find them.

For this purpose, I would like to consciously try to make my words here reflect the truth of myself: my thoughts, my emotions, my faults, my honest humanity. I cannot say whether this will help - perhaps it will simply turn into an actor's exploitation of quasi-truths - but I think that this unknown is actually the point: to allow any possibility to be.