The Lord truly does bless us with what we truly desire. It is such a beautiful thing and one that merits an eternal gratitude. And, as I so witness these blessings and experiences, the confusion in my life begins to melt away; the illusions of control seem so out of place and I begin to realize just how exactly the Lord knows me. It also carries a certain reprimand for my impatience and shows me, yet again, that willingness and the shedding of undue expectations are always more edifying than what we immediately want.
Even more fascinating is the conflict within myself as I try to let go. [T]here are incredible emotions at work: fear, pride, joy, enjoyment, etc. A part of me simply wants to obtain all the affection (validation) that it can from [the mask of edifying relationships]. This is selfishness at work; the desire for control over a possible source of validation. To which counters another part of me which urges me to let go and find happiness in the building of mutual respect and [true friendships]. However, this is countered by fear; building takes time, time over which I do not have complete control. What if I lose this new source of validation? No, this part says, I must get all I can and all I want as quickly as I can because, if I don't, I may lose the opportunity.
But this is countered again (thankfully); another part of me begins to see the subtle dichotomies in my desires. It begins to recognize that my fear to lose is not really based on a desire for true happiness, but points back to the want of affection and validation. It begins to see that true happiness, like all revelations of truth, is something that is given precept upon precept in order to build stronger the divinity of the receiver.
In this case, the answer is to let go. The Lord has blessed me with the opportunity to have something I truly want - an edifying friendship - and I would only taint this experience by approaching it selfishly and immaturely. I have to be willing to lose; willing to give up what I want in the short-run. By not being willing to do so, I am only holding on to a piece of my fear, a fear which will never lead to the kind of happiness it thinks it wants.
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Friday, January 22, 2010
1.22.10
What is ambition? The perception of power, perhaps? Which, ultimately, comes back to the idea of control. I guess my next question would be: what equalizes the delicate balance between control and willingness? Is it meant to be a constant battle until the end or will I finally reach its nirvana someday?
I want things; I've always wanted things, things like accomplishment, recognition, and fulfillment. Haunted I am by men who have achieved these things and who are doing them now. But it is fascinating that this feeling of quasi-impatience is often coupled with one of dreariness and indifference. It is as though my life hinged on one great event or series of events that justified my current impatience and even pride. And always there is the perception of ambition; the emotional buildup to that one event, the supposedly honorable march forward into a cloud of fulfillment and bliss. There I shall rest, is the sentiment, and finally shed the mantle of ambition that has burdened me. There I will sit and soak in the reality of my accomplishment having fulfilled my destiny and purpose.
Undoubtedly, this is a most unrealistic and stupid sentiment; the product of a finite mind desperate to grasp some sense of beginning and end and to flee from a future of additive responsibility. And here is manifest again the incredible dichotomy of our mortal existence. Accomplishment, fulfillment, ambition, their meanings all carry subtleties of duality and exhibit their danger in the similarity of their feelings. Ambition, the desire to work incessantly toward the goal of finally shedding responsibility, can feel quite similar to true ambition, which is the maximization of current self-development. Fulfillment, the supposedly deserved rest given after a great completion, can deceivingly resemble true fulfillment, which is the subtle, acquired joy that comes from the magnification of responsibility. And the dichotomies go on, each exhibiting both a temporal and spiritual distinction which separation basically boils down to the subject of control.
And perhaps it is responsibility that should determine the parameters of our control. That is, we should exhibit control within our allotted environment in order to truly fulfill our allotted responsibilities. Perhaps it is the over-stepping or under-stepping of boundaries that causes an addictive discontent; how often do we look to the future as an escape rather than an opportunity? No, I must say to myself, the future will not be different if true happiness is what you want. It will be as full of joy and sorrow as the present; accomplishment is not the goal, true happiness is the goal; accomplishment is simply the bi-product of the personal development required to achieve true happiness. Pining for the future will not make you happy when you get there, it will only make you dissatisfied with the present. Instead, I should seek to re-adopt my true ambition; that feeling of desire that helps to cast off my fears of current responsibilities and do that which I feel to be right. This feeling need not be accompanied by an uncharacteristic passion or zeal, but is better manifest in the mature and noble acceptance of a Father's mandated will. And not only the acceptance, but the true desire to accomplish it; the true desire to be happy now. For being happy is one of life's greatest responsibilities and one that receives some of the greatest personal opposition, especially from emotions such as pride, indifference, and fear; feelings dangerously similar to happiness in the supposed perception of their peace and security. My attitude should be one of desiring to be happy now and loving (and learning to love) the actions and attributes that aid me in doing so.
I want things; I've always wanted things, things like accomplishment, recognition, and fulfillment. Haunted I am by men who have achieved these things and who are doing them now. But it is fascinating that this feeling of quasi-impatience is often coupled with one of dreariness and indifference. It is as though my life hinged on one great event or series of events that justified my current impatience and even pride. And always there is the perception of ambition; the emotional buildup to that one event, the supposedly honorable march forward into a cloud of fulfillment and bliss. There I shall rest, is the sentiment, and finally shed the mantle of ambition that has burdened me. There I will sit and soak in the reality of my accomplishment having fulfilled my destiny and purpose.
Undoubtedly, this is a most unrealistic and stupid sentiment; the product of a finite mind desperate to grasp some sense of beginning and end and to flee from a future of additive responsibility. And here is manifest again the incredible dichotomy of our mortal existence. Accomplishment, fulfillment, ambition, their meanings all carry subtleties of duality and exhibit their danger in the similarity of their feelings. Ambition, the desire to work incessantly toward the goal of finally shedding responsibility, can feel quite similar to true ambition, which is the maximization of current self-development. Fulfillment, the supposedly deserved rest given after a great completion, can deceivingly resemble true fulfillment, which is the subtle, acquired joy that comes from the magnification of responsibility. And the dichotomies go on, each exhibiting both a temporal and spiritual distinction which separation basically boils down to the subject of control.
And perhaps it is responsibility that should determine the parameters of our control. That is, we should exhibit control within our allotted environment in order to truly fulfill our allotted responsibilities. Perhaps it is the over-stepping or under-stepping of boundaries that causes an addictive discontent; how often do we look to the future as an escape rather than an opportunity? No, I must say to myself, the future will not be different if true happiness is what you want. It will be as full of joy and sorrow as the present; accomplishment is not the goal, true happiness is the goal; accomplishment is simply the bi-product of the personal development required to achieve true happiness. Pining for the future will not make you happy when you get there, it will only make you dissatisfied with the present. Instead, I should seek to re-adopt my true ambition; that feeling of desire that helps to cast off my fears of current responsibilities and do that which I feel to be right. This feeling need not be accompanied by an uncharacteristic passion or zeal, but is better manifest in the mature and noble acceptance of a Father's mandated will. And not only the acceptance, but the true desire to accomplish it; the true desire to be happy now. For being happy is one of life's greatest responsibilities and one that receives some of the greatest personal opposition, especially from emotions such as pride, indifference, and fear; feelings dangerously similar to happiness in the supposed perception of their peace and security. My attitude should be one of desiring to be happy now and loving (and learning to love) the actions and attributes that aid me in doing so.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Sunday, December 13, 2009
12.13.09
Do we all reach such troughs in life? Deep down, I already know the answer to that question, but the surface man wants to deny its truth; to weed myself out of reality in hopes that my situation would be more dramatic and meriting of sympathy. If we didn't notice the faults in our lives, in ourselves, there would be little inspiration for change. This too shall pass, my friend.
How drastic has been my realization of the state of my life. And I think that only a series of revelations such as this could help me so specifically to see where and how to rearrange things. But change can be hard; I think I have wrongly assumed that I could make some minor changes and everything would automatically fall back into place. Such is often my assumption, but each time I come to realize that my mentally needs to change as well. Actions are fruits; changing them can be quite simple, but rarely sustainable. It is the mind and spirit where the true change needs to take place: motivations, decisions, and opinions.
How drastic has been my realization of the state of my life. And I think that only a series of revelations such as this could help me so specifically to see where and how to rearrange things. But change can be hard; I think I have wrongly assumed that I could make some minor changes and everything would automatically fall back into place. Such is often my assumption, but each time I come to realize that my mentally needs to change as well. Actions are fruits; changing them can be quite simple, but rarely sustainable. It is the mind and spirit where the true change needs to take place: motivations, decisions, and opinions.
Saturday, September 19, 2009
9.19.09
Sick I am, to the core, of passion's mask of love. Sick I am of attraction; of sex; of lust. Each spinning its own web of sour quasi-truth. Each dangerously convincing until the kindle spent: the heart can play no longer at the flitting pace of a masquerade. Do men truly love, or is it only a game played by childish dreamers? Too dangerous for me is the road of validation though so often have I walked there; so often does it call me and tempt me and hold me with its deceptions so delicious. And yet love so defined has only led me in dark circles; grasping at the night for moments, words, and songs. No, love is not a passion. For, try as they might, passions cannot penetrate the depth of the human soul. Chasing clouds and swearing vows hold their permanence only in ignorance.
Is true love so uninteresting that sonnets never touch it? Complex, perhaps, or mysterious or only a fact of perception? No, I say. It is a gift and, in this, it is the sister of spirituality. For do we not see similar trends in conversion? Do we not mistake passion for fidelity; excitement for testimony? Faith is not guesswork, nor a dramatic step to spite the dark: it is the knowledge of the guiding hand amidst the daunting world. So too is love not a symphony of expression: it is a symphony of life. It is a truth that, when sown, takes root in the very core of human identity. But pray, these roots can be touched by the changing tides upon the surface; they can be poisoned by a temporary satisfaction. But, the seed needs no culturing, it only need be given the opportunity to be cultured by a time devoid of expectation. Then it will grow beyond temporary limits and feed the soul with such a feeling as defies our mortal realm. That that is the whole point: true love is not a human creation, in feeling or expression. It is a divine truth; divinely controlled and divinely bestowed.
Time correct me if I am wrong.
Is true love so uninteresting that sonnets never touch it? Complex, perhaps, or mysterious or only a fact of perception? No, I say. It is a gift and, in this, it is the sister of spirituality. For do we not see similar trends in conversion? Do we not mistake passion for fidelity; excitement for testimony? Faith is not guesswork, nor a dramatic step to spite the dark: it is the knowledge of the guiding hand amidst the daunting world. So too is love not a symphony of expression: it is a symphony of life. It is a truth that, when sown, takes root in the very core of human identity. But pray, these roots can be touched by the changing tides upon the surface; they can be poisoned by a temporary satisfaction. But, the seed needs no culturing, it only need be given the opportunity to be cultured by a time devoid of expectation. Then it will grow beyond temporary limits and feed the soul with such a feeling as defies our mortal realm. That that is the whole point: true love is not a human creation, in feeling or expression. It is a divine truth; divinely controlled and divinely bestowed.
Time correct me if I am wrong.
Friday, August 28, 2009
8.28.09
Journal Excerpt (8.2.09):
Always haunted am I by the glorious potential of imagination. Imagination which climbs such lofty slopes to where it places its great men. And, with traces of reality it whispers that great men there have always been to do great things; men blessed by talent and conviction to bring about magnificent changes. Their ghosts inspire me, but my own doubts and jealousies wave their fearful hands at empty air repeating the phrases: they are but ghosts, their words were but fantasies, you cannot touch them and they therefore do not exist, replace your vain jealousy with reality, stop grasping at such selfish and nonexistent apparitions, would you carry your dreamy idealisms into a world trying so dearly to teach you its actual occurrences? How long will you consign your spirit to fly before you realize your body has not left the ground?
But, even so, even with these opposing forces--be they fear or reality--there is still the inner flame. A passion deep with that would give this body wings. A force that I can scarce account for, so deeply engraved by a perfect choice of experience. To be honest (admittedly selfish though it may be), I want to be a great man. And not a great man to but a few, for many a great example there are to their blessed and precious friends; a great man and a mover of history. I do not here seek to justify my desire with supposed qualifications of even with a precarious claim to a fictional right; I simply here express the desire, the craving and obsession which so haunts my soul with dream and ambition; with even the hints of potential itself. My greatest fear, I think, is not that it cannot come to be, but that it is not the will of God that so be my mortal sojourn. And alas, herein is manifest my short-sighted greed and fear. And here is where my faith whispers: loosen thy grasp, brother: give yourself to Him without condition or restraint and you will find what your very soul truly seeks; a treasure that even your imagination fails to capture and which cannot be attained by mortal device. Lose yourself, brother; deep down here you have the faith to do it. Do not pine for plans and controls, plan only to let go of everything.
Always haunted am I by the glorious potential of imagination. Imagination which climbs such lofty slopes to where it places its great men. And, with traces of reality it whispers that great men there have always been to do great things; men blessed by talent and conviction to bring about magnificent changes. Their ghosts inspire me, but my own doubts and jealousies wave their fearful hands at empty air repeating the phrases: they are but ghosts, their words were but fantasies, you cannot touch them and they therefore do not exist, replace your vain jealousy with reality, stop grasping at such selfish and nonexistent apparitions, would you carry your dreamy idealisms into a world trying so dearly to teach you its actual occurrences? How long will you consign your spirit to fly before you realize your body has not left the ground?
But, even so, even with these opposing forces--be they fear or reality--there is still the inner flame. A passion deep with that would give this body wings. A force that I can scarce account for, so deeply engraved by a perfect choice of experience. To be honest (admittedly selfish though it may be), I want to be a great man. And not a great man to but a few, for many a great example there are to their blessed and precious friends; a great man and a mover of history. I do not here seek to justify my desire with supposed qualifications of even with a precarious claim to a fictional right; I simply here express the desire, the craving and obsession which so haunts my soul with dream and ambition; with even the hints of potential itself. My greatest fear, I think, is not that it cannot come to be, but that it is not the will of God that so be my mortal sojourn. And alas, herein is manifest my short-sighted greed and fear. And here is where my faith whispers: loosen thy grasp, brother: give yourself to Him without condition or restraint and you will find what your very soul truly seeks; a treasure that even your imagination fails to capture and which cannot be attained by mortal device. Lose yourself, brother; deep down here you have the faith to do it. Do not pine for plans and controls, plan only to let go of everything.
Thursday, August 27, 2009
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