This is a picture of a sandwich.
Monday, May 31, 2010
Sunday, May 30, 2010
5.30.10
Journal excerpt (5.30.10):
Ten days in Uganda and so much has already transpired. I'm sitting in church now, listening to a wonderful talk on the subject of sacrifice. To me, the meaning of this topic has taken on such an important and personal nature, especially as great friends and [even] professors have helped me to understand its deeper denotations. To me, now, sacrifice is a method of edification through the responsible fulfillment of our duty to make things holy, especially ourselves. To sacrifice our will connotes both a "giving up" of prideful tendencies and also, perhaps more importantly, the acceptation of a holier attitude; the realization of a divine nature by literally becoming more like our Savior. The principle then becomes a beautiful, edifying part of our repentance process.
Work goes well in Kampala: we've learned so much already about NGO work and the difference incentives in play within the sector. My greatest hope is that this research can help development to become more real and sustainable.
What does it mean to hope for truths not seen? I think that, perhaps, hope is not only belief, but is a divinely encouraged and divinely granted idea. That is, it is manifest in the steps of a child influenced by the truth granted in revelation and testimony. The child may guess along the way, but guesswork is not faith: faith is the complete opening of the heart to the point that it becomes our vision and our steps then become the fulfillment of divine will. And not just His will for us, but the alignment of our wills for the maximization of exaltation.
And, I think, one of Satan's greatest traps is to encourage us to second guess our steps and to doubt our journey, even to the point of stopping our feet and waiting for knowledge to walk; waiting for the result before we take action; waiting for the Lord to motivate us to walk before we do. He (Satan) helps us to fill our hearts with fear, doubt, and pride, killing our faith because the eye of our heart has been closed. From there, every step hurts because it feels so unnatural and the lack of knowledge of what lies below our feet creates an unbearable fear that makes our heart perpetuate its addiction to inaction. We no longer want to walk or stand or anything, even exist. We only want to sleep eternally so that, at least, we may find some comfort and a taste of happiness in the whims of dream. And, soon enough, our future and past become the dreams that we crave from our sleep and we desire only to suddenly wake up in either one; we hate the present as it is only a continuous reminder that we are not happy and we learn to live by pining for the hope of a detailed, and even dangerously, yet only supposedly justified, dream.
I have been there, and nothing I have ever experienced has compared to that terrible feeling of despair; it was, to me, the fire and brimstone of hell itself and I shudder to think that any individual could choose to be consigned eternally to such a state.
But as terrible as was and can be the feeling of this motivation-less decay, its opposite bares a beauty of infinitely more depth. And it starts with the opening of our eyes - the opening of our heart (see Helaman 3:35). And then we must walk and keep walking, baring all the time within our hearts the truths divine; truths not seen, but felt. And, therefore, a trek not known, but hoped for.
Ten days in Uganda and so much has already transpired. I'm sitting in church now, listening to a wonderful talk on the subject of sacrifice. To me, the meaning of this topic has taken on such an important and personal nature, especially as great friends and [even] professors have helped me to understand its deeper denotations. To me, now, sacrifice is a method of edification through the responsible fulfillment of our duty to make things holy, especially ourselves. To sacrifice our will connotes both a "giving up" of prideful tendencies and also, perhaps more importantly, the acceptation of a holier attitude; the realization of a divine nature by literally becoming more like our Savior. The principle then becomes a beautiful, edifying part of our repentance process.
Work goes well in Kampala: we've learned so much already about NGO work and the difference incentives in play within the sector. My greatest hope is that this research can help development to become more real and sustainable.
What does it mean to hope for truths not seen? I think that, perhaps, hope is not only belief, but is a divinely encouraged and divinely granted idea. That is, it is manifest in the steps of a child influenced by the truth granted in revelation and testimony. The child may guess along the way, but guesswork is not faith: faith is the complete opening of the heart to the point that it becomes our vision and our steps then become the fulfillment of divine will. And not just His will for us, but the alignment of our wills for the maximization of exaltation.
And, I think, one of Satan's greatest traps is to encourage us to second guess our steps and to doubt our journey, even to the point of stopping our feet and waiting for knowledge to walk; waiting for the result before we take action; waiting for the Lord to motivate us to walk before we do. He (Satan) helps us to fill our hearts with fear, doubt, and pride, killing our faith because the eye of our heart has been closed. From there, every step hurts because it feels so unnatural and the lack of knowledge of what lies below our feet creates an unbearable fear that makes our heart perpetuate its addiction to inaction. We no longer want to walk or stand or anything, even exist. We only want to sleep eternally so that, at least, we may find some comfort and a taste of happiness in the whims of dream. And, soon enough, our future and past become the dreams that we crave from our sleep and we desire only to suddenly wake up in either one; we hate the present as it is only a continuous reminder that we are not happy and we learn to live by pining for the hope of a detailed, and even dangerously, yet only supposedly justified, dream.
I have been there, and nothing I have ever experienced has compared to that terrible feeling of despair; it was, to me, the fire and brimstone of hell itself and I shudder to think that any individual could choose to be consigned eternally to such a state.
But as terrible as was and can be the feeling of this motivation-less decay, its opposite bares a beauty of infinitely more depth. And it starts with the opening of our eyes - the opening of our heart (see Helaman 3:35). And then we must walk and keep walking, baring all the time within our hearts the truths divine; truths not seen, but felt. And, therefore, a trek not known, but hoped for.
Sunday, March 14, 2010
Saturday, February 27, 2010
2.27.10
The Lord truly does bless us with what we truly desire. It is such a beautiful thing and one that merits an eternal gratitude. And, as I so witness these blessings and experiences, the confusion in my life begins to melt away; the illusions of control seem so out of place and I begin to realize just how exactly the Lord knows me. It also carries a certain reprimand for my impatience and shows me, yet again, that willingness and the shedding of undue expectations are always more edifying than what we immediately want.
Even more fascinating is the conflict within myself as I try to let go. [T]here are incredible emotions at work: fear, pride, joy, enjoyment, etc. A part of me simply wants to obtain all the affection (validation) that it can from [the mask of edifying relationships]. This is selfishness at work; the desire for control over a possible source of validation. To which counters another part of me which urges me to let go and find happiness in the building of mutual respect and [true friendships]. However, this is countered by fear; building takes time, time over which I do not have complete control. What if I lose this new source of validation? No, this part says, I must get all I can and all I want as quickly as I can because, if I don't, I may lose the opportunity.
But this is countered again (thankfully); another part of me begins to see the subtle dichotomies in my desires. It begins to recognize that my fear to lose is not really based on a desire for true happiness, but points back to the want of affection and validation. It begins to see that true happiness, like all revelations of truth, is something that is given precept upon precept in order to build stronger the divinity of the receiver.
In this case, the answer is to let go. The Lord has blessed me with the opportunity to have something I truly want - an edifying friendship - and I would only taint this experience by approaching it selfishly and immaturely. I have to be willing to lose; willing to give up what I want in the short-run. By not being willing to do so, I am only holding on to a piece of my fear, a fear which will never lead to the kind of happiness it thinks it wants.
Even more fascinating is the conflict within myself as I try to let go. [T]here are incredible emotions at work: fear, pride, joy, enjoyment, etc. A part of me simply wants to obtain all the affection (validation) that it can from [the mask of edifying relationships]. This is selfishness at work; the desire for control over a possible source of validation. To which counters another part of me which urges me to let go and find happiness in the building of mutual respect and [true friendships]. However, this is countered by fear; building takes time, time over which I do not have complete control. What if I lose this new source of validation? No, this part says, I must get all I can and all I want as quickly as I can because, if I don't, I may lose the opportunity.
But this is countered again (thankfully); another part of me begins to see the subtle dichotomies in my desires. It begins to recognize that my fear to lose is not really based on a desire for true happiness, but points back to the want of affection and validation. It begins to see that true happiness, like all revelations of truth, is something that is given precept upon precept in order to build stronger the divinity of the receiver.
In this case, the answer is to let go. The Lord has blessed me with the opportunity to have something I truly want - an edifying friendship - and I would only taint this experience by approaching it selfishly and immaturely. I have to be willing to lose; willing to give up what I want in the short-run. By not being willing to do so, I am only holding on to a piece of my fear, a fear which will never lead to the kind of happiness it thinks it wants.
Friday, January 22, 2010
1.22.10
What is ambition? The perception of power, perhaps? Which, ultimately, comes back to the idea of control. I guess my next question would be: what equalizes the delicate balance between control and willingness? Is it meant to be a constant battle until the end or will I finally reach its nirvana someday?
I want things; I've always wanted things, things like accomplishment, recognition, and fulfillment. Haunted I am by men who have achieved these things and who are doing them now. But it is fascinating that this feeling of quasi-impatience is often coupled with one of dreariness and indifference. It is as though my life hinged on one great event or series of events that justified my current impatience and even pride. And always there is the perception of ambition; the emotional buildup to that one event, the supposedly honorable march forward into a cloud of fulfillment and bliss. There I shall rest, is the sentiment, and finally shed the mantle of ambition that has burdened me. There I will sit and soak in the reality of my accomplishment having fulfilled my destiny and purpose.
Undoubtedly, this is a most unrealistic and stupid sentiment; the product of a finite mind desperate to grasp some sense of beginning and end and to flee from a future of additive responsibility. And here is manifest again the incredible dichotomy of our mortal existence. Accomplishment, fulfillment, ambition, their meanings all carry subtleties of duality and exhibit their danger in the similarity of their feelings. Ambition, the desire to work incessantly toward the goal of finally shedding responsibility, can feel quite similar to true ambition, which is the maximization of current self-development. Fulfillment, the supposedly deserved rest given after a great completion, can deceivingly resemble true fulfillment, which is the subtle, acquired joy that comes from the magnification of responsibility. And the dichotomies go on, each exhibiting both a temporal and spiritual distinction which separation basically boils down to the subject of control.
And perhaps it is responsibility that should determine the parameters of our control. That is, we should exhibit control within our allotted environment in order to truly fulfill our allotted responsibilities. Perhaps it is the over-stepping or under-stepping of boundaries that causes an addictive discontent; how often do we look to the future as an escape rather than an opportunity? No, I must say to myself, the future will not be different if true happiness is what you want. It will be as full of joy and sorrow as the present; accomplishment is not the goal, true happiness is the goal; accomplishment is simply the bi-product of the personal development required to achieve true happiness. Pining for the future will not make you happy when you get there, it will only make you dissatisfied with the present. Instead, I should seek to re-adopt my true ambition; that feeling of desire that helps to cast off my fears of current responsibilities and do that which I feel to be right. This feeling need not be accompanied by an uncharacteristic passion or zeal, but is better manifest in the mature and noble acceptance of a Father's mandated will. And not only the acceptance, but the true desire to accomplish it; the true desire to be happy now. For being happy is one of life's greatest responsibilities and one that receives some of the greatest personal opposition, especially from emotions such as pride, indifference, and fear; feelings dangerously similar to happiness in the supposed perception of their peace and security. My attitude should be one of desiring to be happy now and loving (and learning to love) the actions and attributes that aid me in doing so.
I want things; I've always wanted things, things like accomplishment, recognition, and fulfillment. Haunted I am by men who have achieved these things and who are doing them now. But it is fascinating that this feeling of quasi-impatience is often coupled with one of dreariness and indifference. It is as though my life hinged on one great event or series of events that justified my current impatience and even pride. And always there is the perception of ambition; the emotional buildup to that one event, the supposedly honorable march forward into a cloud of fulfillment and bliss. There I shall rest, is the sentiment, and finally shed the mantle of ambition that has burdened me. There I will sit and soak in the reality of my accomplishment having fulfilled my destiny and purpose.
Undoubtedly, this is a most unrealistic and stupid sentiment; the product of a finite mind desperate to grasp some sense of beginning and end and to flee from a future of additive responsibility. And here is manifest again the incredible dichotomy of our mortal existence. Accomplishment, fulfillment, ambition, their meanings all carry subtleties of duality and exhibit their danger in the similarity of their feelings. Ambition, the desire to work incessantly toward the goal of finally shedding responsibility, can feel quite similar to true ambition, which is the maximization of current self-development. Fulfillment, the supposedly deserved rest given after a great completion, can deceivingly resemble true fulfillment, which is the subtle, acquired joy that comes from the magnification of responsibility. And the dichotomies go on, each exhibiting both a temporal and spiritual distinction which separation basically boils down to the subject of control.
And perhaps it is responsibility that should determine the parameters of our control. That is, we should exhibit control within our allotted environment in order to truly fulfill our allotted responsibilities. Perhaps it is the over-stepping or under-stepping of boundaries that causes an addictive discontent; how often do we look to the future as an escape rather than an opportunity? No, I must say to myself, the future will not be different if true happiness is what you want. It will be as full of joy and sorrow as the present; accomplishment is not the goal, true happiness is the goal; accomplishment is simply the bi-product of the personal development required to achieve true happiness. Pining for the future will not make you happy when you get there, it will only make you dissatisfied with the present. Instead, I should seek to re-adopt my true ambition; that feeling of desire that helps to cast off my fears of current responsibilities and do that which I feel to be right. This feeling need not be accompanied by an uncharacteristic passion or zeal, but is better manifest in the mature and noble acceptance of a Father's mandated will. And not only the acceptance, but the true desire to accomplish it; the true desire to be happy now. For being happy is one of life's greatest responsibilities and one that receives some of the greatest personal opposition, especially from emotions such as pride, indifference, and fear; feelings dangerously similar to happiness in the supposed perception of their peace and security. My attitude should be one of desiring to be happy now and loving (and learning to love) the actions and attributes that aid me in doing so.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Sunday, December 13, 2009
12.13.09
Do we all reach such troughs in life? Deep down, I already know the answer to that question, but the surface man wants to deny its truth; to weed myself out of reality in hopes that my situation would be more dramatic and meriting of sympathy. If we didn't notice the faults in our lives, in ourselves, there would be little inspiration for change. This too shall pass, my friend.
How drastic has been my realization of the state of my life. And I think that only a series of revelations such as this could help me so specifically to see where and how to rearrange things. But change can be hard; I think I have wrongly assumed that I could make some minor changes and everything would automatically fall back into place. Such is often my assumption, but each time I come to realize that my mentally needs to change as well. Actions are fruits; changing them can be quite simple, but rarely sustainable. It is the mind and spirit where the true change needs to take place: motivations, decisions, and opinions.
How drastic has been my realization of the state of my life. And I think that only a series of revelations such as this could help me so specifically to see where and how to rearrange things. But change can be hard; I think I have wrongly assumed that I could make some minor changes and everything would automatically fall back into place. Such is often my assumption, but each time I come to realize that my mentally needs to change as well. Actions are fruits; changing them can be quite simple, but rarely sustainable. It is the mind and spirit where the true change needs to take place: motivations, decisions, and opinions.
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