2.15.09

Today has been a strangely inspiring one. First I went to church and was moved by these pasages and text:

"[Fear] is spoken of as something unworthy of a child of God. The first effect of Adam's sin was the he was afraid (Gen. 3:10). Sin destroys that feeling of confidence God's child should feel in a loving Father. Even since the Fall God has been teaching men not to fear, but with penitence to ask forgiveness in full confidence of receiving it" (Bible Dictionary 1979, 672).

The topic of fear has born a certain frequency in my life of late; I have pondered often on its purposes and effects. I am convinced that it is the fountain from which all sorrow flows; the great enemy to happiness. And perhaps the most horrid thing about fear is its subtle impersonation of love. I felt today, while reading the text, that certain fears had crawled back into corners of my mind. Life's difficulties have a way of doing that, I suppose. But, the beauty of fear is that it cannot exist without its opposite: faith. And on this note I was drawn to the second passage--one of my favorites from the book of Alma:

"And Moroni was a strong and mighty man; he was a man of perfect understanding; yea, a man that did not delight in bloodshed; a man whose soul did joy in the liberty and the freedom of his country, and his brethren from bondage and slavery; yea, a man whose heart did swell with thanksgiving to his God, for the many privileges and blessings which he bestowed upon his people; a man who did labor exceedingly for the welfare and safety of his people" (Book of Mormon, Alma 48: 11-12).

I feel a certain kinship with Moroni and I admire greatly his demonstrations of faith, leadership, and dedication. He was a man not motivated by fear, though he certainly knew fear in his time. He was confident and demanding; he was not given to expectations, but lived with a dedication to the fulfillment of potential. In my career, I hope to personify similar attributes. So deep I hope to be my dedication to potential as was Moroni. To do this, there are two keys to which I think I should currently direct my energies:

1. Be driven by potential, but not expectations. I am finding that expectations can be a clever mask for fear. Expectations lead us to the deception of control. We cannot expect things to happen; we must allow things to happen. The future cannot be accurately gauged by expectations, but the power of potential is limitless. Moroni saw the potential of his people (liberty, safety, well-being) and worked with all his capacities to empower them. I am often tempted by the lure of expectation which leads me to do things my own way and to work toward my own illusions of the future. The future will come in its time; doing the Lord's will now will make me into the man I need to be for that time.

2. Confidence is a key to accomplishment whereas pride is a key to failure. The difference is, not surprisingly, fear. Confidence is kindled by the Lord and includes trust, gratitude, and self-initiative. Pride is our attempt to control our own happiness. Moroni was certainly confident in the abilities and resources that the Lord had given him to accomplish good. The Lord has also given me talents and abilities to accomplish good; pride would have me use them to accomplish my own illusions of success (even if those illusions, at times, seem righteous).

I also watched "Lawrence of Arabia" today. It was a fascinating film that compliments several points of my discussion. The actor who played Lawrence did an amazing job of portraying the inner unbalances and conflicts within the character. Lawrence was certainly an inspirational leader at times, while at other times he was a monster. Whether on the battlefield or in the quiet moments of the night, many of the greatest victories are won within men themselves. Patience, dedication, humility, and faith are among the greatest of victories: their consequences are progressive and eternal. I would have such victories in my own life, but I must not trick myself into believing that they will be decisive and complete: any man can win or lose a battle; not every man would conquer himself. I cannot do it alone, and that, perhaps, is the greatest beauty.