2.27.10

The Lord truly does bless us with what we truly desire. It is such a beautiful thing and one that merits an eternal gratitude. And, as I so witness these blessings and experiences, the confusion in my life begins to melt away; the illusions of control seem so out of place and I begin to realize just how exactly the Lord knows me. It also carries a certain reprimand for my impatience and shows me, yet again, that willingness and the shedding of undue expectations are always more edifying than what we immediately want.

Even more fascinating is the conflict within myself as I try to let go. [T]here are incredible emotions at work: fear, pride, joy, enjoyment, etc. A part of me simply wants to obtain all the affection (validation) that it can from [the mask of edifying relationships]. This is selfishness at work; the desire for control over a possible source of validation. To which counters another part of me which urges me to let go and find happiness in the building of mutual respect and [true friendships]. However, this is countered by fear; building takes time, time over which I do not have complete control. What if I lose this new source of validation? No, this part says, I must get all I can and all I want as quickly as I can because, if I don't, I may lose the opportunity.

But this is countered again (thankfully); another part of me begins to see the subtle dichotomies in my desires. It begins to recognize that my fear to lose is not really based on a desire for true happiness, but points back to the want of affection and validation. It begins to see that true happiness, like all revelations of truth, is something that is given precept upon precept in order to build stronger the divinity of the receiver.

In this case, the answer is to let go. The Lord has blessed me with the opportunity to have something I truly want - an edifying friendship - and I would only taint this experience by approaching it selfishly and immaturely. I have to be willing to lose; willing to give up what I want in the short-run. By not being willing to do so, I am only holding on to a piece of my fear, a fear which will never lead to the kind of happiness it thinks it wants.