9.9.11

 
I find myself afraid to look within and seek to define. Am I afraid I will be wrong? Yes. But what else am I afraid of? Perhaps I avoid the kitchen as much as possible because I still have not washed the dishes. I eat in my room these days.

Work
The hours I have spent in this office.

The song says: "I went to a whore; she said my life's a bore. So quit my whining cause its bringing her down. Sometimes I give myself the creeps." This part of this song always reminds me of the Catcher in the Rye, which is a book I didn't like because nothing happens.

Sometimes in life, nothing happens. And suddenly you find yourself not wanting anything to happen.

"Sometimes my mind plays tricks on me."

Friends
So many of my friends have come and gone.

I remember attending a party and, as part of a sort-of game, kissing a girl I didn't know. As I think of the kiss, I think of the feeling; though I do not think of the feeling then - which I think was mostly one of uncertainty - I think of what I want to feel now. The longing of a kiss; trying to remake the memory in my mind, add onto it, prolonging the scene and repeat it to try and grasp at something. And soon the kiss means more to me; she means more to me - or at least the idea of her means more, even though she, as I now hold her in my mind, does not exist; has no name; has no purpose except as the subject of my emotion; as the means for my mental expression.

A friend once approached me troubled; I told her it would all work out. I cried when she left.

It did end up working out though.

Religion
I see a chapel; two stories; beautiful brick. Its roof is rounded to give it a barn-like aspect; it has a large, round window at its front which looks out from the second story. I have never been inside the building.

The chapel is surrounded by low concrete walls that separate it from the buildings and houses adjacent. The walls are covered with graffiti, mostly indecipherable. But one phrase stands out: "Maradona es Dios y Messi es el Salvador." It is rather comical, but I wonder about the intention of the writer; what child is this?

Anger
I met with a leader of my local church - my bishop - and he asked me about my language. I told him it was improving. He told me that profanity was the attempt of a weak mind to express itself strongly. I just agreed with everything he said after that and it worked - I was out of his office in less than ten minutes.

I think I was actually was improving until yesterday; but my bishop will never know about yesterday.

Dreams
Two excerpts from a dream journal I used to keep:

"Night of 4/24/2008 - I remember teaching a little boy that 'bad words are for those who are afraid of life'. I remember seeing the boy later, as he was leaving, and reviewing that phrase with him."

"Night of 8/31/2008 - My dream was very movie like. I remember at the beginning of the movie there were two lovers. They were not human; more fish-like, and I remember that they somehow formed two children. I was one of those children and the other was my sister. We started to grow up, but then one night a fish came to where my sister and I were sleeping and took her. Somehow we got her back, but she was badly injured. My parents stayed with her while I went to find someone who could help her.

I think the first people I met were two women in a town next to where our house was. I remember that our house was very humble, but we lived next to a town with a lot of affluence; there were large buildings and even a cathedral. So I went to the town and found two women, but they were high on drugs and couldn't help. They recommended that I go find another doctor. I can't  remember the name they said, but I remember that they said that it would be difficult for me to convince this certain doctor to care for my sister. I went to find her anyway because such was my worry for my sister that I didn't care what it would take to heal her.

I remember finding the doctor to whom I had been referred and that, like I had been told, she was very reluctant to come with me. I remember talking to her for some time and trying to convince her. Finally, she agreed to come with me, but only after I went into some detail about the pain and suffering my sister was going through.

I remember we then flew back to where my house was. When the doctor I was with saw all the riches with which we were surrounded, she got very excited. I remember that one of the streets between two of the houses was actually made of diamonds. We landed and she began to look at the incredible riches all around us. My house was right around the corner and she finally came after my calling her several times.

When we got there I asked how my sister was and my parents responded that she was actually recovering. I remember her walking around; she still looked hurt and bruised, but she had obviously recovered. I remember thinking about how sure I had been during my search that only a doctor could save my sister. Then something very interesting happened. I remember my father asked the doctor if she wanted to keep and raise my sister. The woman was so touched that she began to cry and we all cried for joy with her. She said yes and that was the end."