11.3.11

Benjamin said that we are nothing.

In a mathematical sense, that is a limit that seems to approach the truth - even if we consider this planet alone with its billions, a single human being takes up a pitifully miniscule, insignificant amount of space; although when you're standing next to someone at a urinal, it honestly doesn't feel that way.

How many people could we fit on earth if we all gave each other the space we wanted? I think about how skewed that distribution might be, or how it is changing. It seems like we want more and more space, or at least plenty of glass screens between me and he. We like our glass screens, they protect us from inlaws.

In the sense of worthiness, do we deserve anything? Benjamin said no; Benjamin said we are nothing. And yet I deserve all the time - my mother tells me so - a cookie or a "swift kick in the pants." I do hope she means the backside of my pants. Do we ever really deserve cookies? I think it is my clandestine hope in life to one day merit a snickerdoodle.

I remember one day sitting on the bus going to a volleyball game. We were sitting on the chairs with our legs open, facing the ail and throwing oranges across the ail in an effort to hit each other's genitals.

I remember one day sitting in a room of my house with some friends. We were sitting across the room from each other with our legs open. We were throwing a plastic eightball across the room in an effort to hit each other's genitals. I hope you better understand now my preference as to the kicking of my pants.

In the sense of metaphysics, can we prove Ben wrong? What proof is there that matter exists? I mean, does anything really exist? Descartes seemed to think so, and he provided a proof. Ironic that Descartes tried to discount nothingness by proving the existence of God (which constituted a brilliant attempt in my opinion) and that Benjamin substantiated his argument of nothingness by comparing us to God. Can they both be right? Probably.

I remember one day having the stomach flu and feeling like an insomniac with knives in his hands was trying to sleep on a steel rotating bed inside my abdomen. I guess pain doesn't really prove anything though. Dammit.

In the sense of worth, I think I passionately disagree with Ben. But of course this begs the question: do I view myself as of the same worth as God?

I once arm wrestled my father and exerted myself to such a degree that my nose started bleeding. We both laughed hysterically as my mother - also laughing - ran into the kitchen to get me some tissue paper. Sometimes I pray that way, sometimes I convince myself that I'm too tired though, sometimes I am too tired.

Who measures worth? Who measures nothingness? I hope its not me, or people like me. Ben went with = 0; Descartes went with > 0. Maybe it's somewhere in between, maybe ≥ 0. But that just puts us back at mathematics.

In the sense of desire, I really don't know what to do. I desire things all the time including sleeping in, sleeping through church meetings, taking a nap instead of studying the scriptures, dozing off during General Conference talks, sawing logs during the movie they show in the temple, deeply meditating during my girlfriend's favorite part of a motivational speech, conversing with Morpheus during a particularly long prayer, etc. I think I desire other things besides sleep, but most of those things cost money.

One night I was supposed to go to a meteor shower with my friend Tara. When she came to my house to pick me up, my mother could not find me - I had fallen asleep on the floor of my room. Sometimes my faith is like that, probably most of the time. Could that be why I'm nothing?