3.31.09

I've been thinking lately about love and relationships. I have some dear friends who have dedicated themselves passionately to picking up women. They read the books, watch the shows and tutorials, and practice constantly and are becoming very good at picking up women and taking advantage of social situations.

Last semester, I started down that same path; a path my friends and I had mastered in high school and I had been relatively out of touch with during my college experience. However, based on things I learned last semester and different experiences I had, I was hesitant to continue with the literature and practice this semester. It would seem that, down that path, there is a definite fork in the road and I would like to think that I, I took the road less travelled by. But I'm not entirely sure what my base motivations are, hence my ponderings...

To be honest, the art of picking up women is basically a game of control. It is rejecting the "nice guy" attitude which is associated with guys who are too nice and get walked on by women in all their relationships. Guys that often lack confidence and the ability to generate mutual respect; in their lives, it is often a queen-servant relationship. I agree with some aspects of this, but not necessarily in the same way. You see, the literature goes beyond to point of mutual respect and puts the man on the pedestal. It preaches that men should be the dominant actors in interactions and relationships and that it should be more of an alpha male-submissive female relationship. In essence, it puts control into the hands and whims of the man.

As a man, elements of control are very attractive. And I don't think that all aspects of control necessarily come from bad intentions, but I am learning that control is usually the offspring of fear and that, even if masked as a good intention, the drive to control situations, relationships, and opportunities is a very dangerous associate. This is the "fork" that I perceive between myself and my dear friends: I agree with the ideas of confidence, low-pressure interactions, and the development of personal potential, but I disagree with the ideas of control, dominance, and inequality. To me, a relationship should be an institution of equality. Not equality is the sense that the man and woman share everything exactly half-and-half, but equality in the sense that both people are equally empowered to contribute and develop their unique attributes, talents, and perspectives and are both equally flexible and adaptable to problem solving, planning, communication, and understanding. In other words, both parties are equally able and empowered to be their best selves, to continue in the development of their own selves, and to emulate and acquire the desirable attributes of their partner. In this way, the couple works as a single institution which goes beyond the abilities and potential of the two separate individuals.

But that is one man's dream. I don't even really know for myself if such an institution is really possible and this leads to another branch of my ponderings. What part of my personality is it that longs for such a relationship? Because, if it is the part of me that fears the future and fears uncertainly and difficulty in a relationship, than my dream is no better than the literature about picking up women and seeking to dominate the relationship: in this case my dream would only be another complex attempt at securing control. It might also be a dream based on my own personal fears of my own shortcomings and lack of confidence: perhaps I seek an "equal" relationship as a mask for a deeper desire to hide my insecurities in the desire for the responsibilities of another.

Time will tell, that is both the beauty and terror of relationships: they must be experienced. And I think this is my deepest motivation for leaving the high school tactics and pick-up-artist literature behind: I am trying to realize through my convictions and actions that opportunities and experiences will come in their due time. I cannot anticipate or expect them, that would only fuel my desires for control. Instead I can prepare by developing myself and by fostering edifying friendships and social interactions when opportunities present themselves. I can let go of my own social desires and take on a positive attitude as a leader, as an example, and as a friend. And, most of all, I can trust; I can trust that opportunities and experiences will be granted in their due time; I can trust that these experiences are meant to be learnt from and not to be given control of; and I can trust that there are divine interests in my social interactions that will lead to futures far beyond my own dreams. I have felt great love and friendship this semester as I have tried to take that different path and I have felt more edified, more empowered to use my unique talents and attributes, and more able to develop those attributes and become a better person.

The part of me that wants control and feels like "being a man" somehow has to involve dominance and control is still jealous sometimes of my dear friends. That part of me admires how they can bend situations to their advantage and quickly get what they want without losing face. I think there is a part of all of us that craves that kind of control; that wants immediate satisfaction and idolizes those who can get it. But I do not think there is a true sense of satisfaction and happiness down that path, as fun as it may be. I believe I am beginning to embrace deeper motivations and this has led to a social life not dominated, at least in theory, by expectations, pressures, or control. However, I have only found satisfaction down this path insomuch as those deeper motivations have been guided by divine feelings and promptings: as soon as they become tools to stay my fear of the unknown, I believe they have lost their empowerment and fall back onto the path that seeks control. A delicate balance to sure, but neither impossible nor unforgiving: it is the hint of something more than temporary.