9.14.11

Certainty
Sometimes it seems like the certainty of life is not like the certainty of death; you'd think God would give us more guarantees than one. Of course, He probably did, but who are we to remember?

You may counter with the point of revelation and I may agree with you; but I feel like explaining revelation is like explaining whats inside a black box that you cannot see and that belongs to someone else. Its like those people that make their own cars; sometimes you get to ride in it - blindfolded - but perhaps the only thing you really know about it is the incredible roar of the engine and the rush you feel when you're taken somewhere new. I guess the trick is to always have your thumb out; thumbs get tired though.

Ironic how it feels sometimes like the need for certainty only aggravates the fear of certainty. How certain are we supposed to be about things?

"Um, I think I'd like to wait on that," she said. I had just tried to kiss her, botched it, and asked her if I could have another go. I told her some load of crap about how that was okay - about how I didn't want her to get the wrong impression or anything. Ironic...

"Someone else took your place," she said. I had just explained to her that although I had not thought that I had been interested at first, as I got to know her I started to notice a feeling of...joy. And not joy in the sense of excitement, more like a peaceful joy, a kind of summer-evening contentment.

"I feel like I should wait for you," she said over the phone. I had just arrived home from school and was preparing to leave the country for two years. We had been talking for a while, mostly about the whole two-year thing. It seemed like it was pretty hard for her to let go; why wasn't it for me?

She's married now; their new child is beautiful.

"Why do I have to experience all of this? Is it, what, so I can write better?" she asked, somewhat rhetorically. I had just parked the car and was trying to think of the best cure for her ailment. I knew it then, but have since forgotten; funny how medicine seems to work better on the relatively young. Maybe my body is just building up immunities.