9.7.11

I have decided to try and take a slightly new direction here in my blog. This new direction constitutes something that makes me incredibly uncomfortable as it has to do with being completely honest; with attempting to be genuine. I hope you will indulge me in this experiment.

You must understand that I am a performer; an actor. Since early childhood I remember passionately seeking the attention and approval of others. This has deeply affected my life, although I do not wish to imply as to whether these effects have been completely positive or negative. I would imagine that as it is with most things in life, so it is here: it has been both.

However, I do believe there are some ill effects that I have not come to terms with and reconciled. You see, the performer, in his rapture with approval, perpetuates within himself the idea of control, of power. He seeks to present a flawless character to his audience. And lest you be deceived, he does not always seek to present a perfect person, but a believable counterfeit to the audience's preferences; the art of the performer is to make you believe that he is what you - deeply or superficially - want him to be.

The performer therefore becomes an incredible liar. He learns early on that flat-out lies are easily perceived and so learns quickly how to emulate truth; how to twist it to his advantage. He becomes a disciple of exaggeration and bias. Soon he is the social chameleon, basing his actions and mannerisms on simple mental games that he continuously employs, reviews, and updates. He will observe all realms of human approval as a reference to update his methods. Religion, humor, fashion, culture, language, all are tools of the actor - means whereby he impersonates knowledge, stability, and superiority.

Eventually he begins to believe his lies; his performances become his character. He views himself as more than a man, as a prodigy. Audiences that disapprove are ironically viewed as subordinate by him; his tight sphere of approval has cemented his mental superiority and continually justifies his assumptions - conscious and unconscious - of righteousness and control. He is powerful in this sphere; in his sphere.

The greatest horror to the actor is to be embarrassed; to lose control over his sphere; to be wrong; to lose the approval of others, or at least the perception of approval. Thus, the fear of losing control dominates his life. He labels emotions as untrustworthy and passionately tries to suppress them. He inevitably views himself as a fixer: each situation is simply a problem to which his sphere has a solution. And always there is judgement: anything - people especially - that operates outside his sphere of security is viewed as a potential threat, as a possible means to embarrassment. The actor rejects these things and labels them; un-comfort to him is synonymous with "wrong".

And again, although internally the performer seeks to eradicate emotion (anything "surprising" or "unexpected" being viewed as irrational and dangerous) and dismiss empathy, he is wonderfully good at feigning these principles. He will smile and laugh and will feel nothing; he will wonder what possesses you to hurt while he tells you he understands. All reenforcing his sphere, creating the ghosts of personalities while emotionally and mentally imploding.

I am that man; an actor. As such I have struggled intensely with the idea of being genuine, with "being myself": my personality has always been a means to an end. Changing this about myself is, I think, something that would bring me great happiness and allow me to be the means of greater happiness in the lives of others. Perhaps this is part of what Christ meant when He encouraged us to lose our lives that we might find them.

For this purpose, I would like to consciously try to make my words here reflect the truth of myself: my thoughts, my emotions, my faults, my honest humanity. I cannot say whether this will help - perhaps it will simply turn into an actor's exploitation of quasi-truths - but I think that this unknown is actually the point: to allow any possibility to be.